


Everything I Did, and Everything I Was

by Bleach_ed_Na_tsu



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleach_ed_Na_tsu/pseuds/Bleach_ed_Na_tsu
Summary: Blackie. He was Shirou's familliar. Now he's Rin's. We know that. But, what has his life been like? What has he been feeling all this time, being betrayed by humans?  Genres ? I don't really know.
Kudos: 12





	Everything I Did, and Everything I Was

Everything I did, and everything I was, was for one thing, and one thing only; the humans.

I was a selfish, malevolent being. I stood on my pedestal, inside my shrin, and watched over _my land_. I gorged on the feasts, and offerings given to me, and on the mice those offerings begged me to devour. A truly selfish being.

The people rejoiced. They gave me some food, some time from their busy days; and I gave kept they're crops free from the vermin that threatened their livelihoods with their sheer numbers, and their insatiable eating habits. It was a mutual agreement.

Everything I did, and everything I was, was inevitably for the humans.

I was a god, I will not deny that, but I was only _a god_. No matter what I told them, through scriptures and ancient legends, I wasn't selfish, and I wasn't malevolent, on the contrary, I was lonely.

However, I _was_ a god, and a god isn't permitted to be gently, and kind. I had to demand offerings, and I had to insist on the humans' precious time, before I could help them. I would have done it anyway, helped them that is, but I was a _god,_ and gods don't do anything for nothing.

In truth, I loved the humans. I loved their company.

I started out slowly, my mask of selfish pride as the god I was slowly cracked under the smiles, and joyous chants of the humans in the village beyond my shrine. They truly _loved_ me. _Me._ Of all the creatures and demons in the land; all those they worshipped. They loved _me._ I loved them back. Everything I did, from catching the mice, to coaxing creatures of good harvest and glad tidings into the village, everything was for the humans. All I wanted was their love; their smiles. Especially the children.

For some reason, the children were the ones who visited the most often, some I think even saw me, knew I was actually there. I created a special bond with the children, with any children. Their innocence, and their naive ways, not knowing I was to be feared; not judging me in anyway. They visited often, bringing gifts like toys, and sweet foods. They were the ones who stayed the longest, and smiled the most. They were also the first ones to leave.

Everything I did, and everything I was, was for one thing, and one thing only; the love of the humans.

Slowly, as time went on, the humans visited less and less. Sometimes days would go by, then weeks, then months, then seasons, until finally years went by with no visitors.

Of course that only meant to me, a god, that I didn't work for them. I didn't catch the vermin. I didn't persuade good harvest, or glad tidings to reside in the village. To me, a god, it meant nothing. But to me, the one who lived and breathed for the love of the humans, it meant my entire world crashing down, and dying right before my eyes.

That was when _other_ humans came. The ones I _despised_. Evil, selfish, back-stabbing _**humans**_.

Everything I did, and everything I was, was for one thing, and one thing only; killing humans.

They came to destroy my home. Rip down the place I had stayed for generation, upon generation. The place the humans loved me; the place the humans betrayed me.

So I fought. I fought tooth and claw. It was _my_ home. I was a _god_. No human had any right to destroy the place I held dear.

Then more humans came. Different from the others; humans like the children from the past. Ones able to see me. There were many of them, maybe six or seven. All of them were exorcists, except maybe one, they all worse the same black attire, they all smelt of holy water and silver. An acrid smell. It burnt my nose. They weren't here to help me, they were here to kill the demon I had become, and destroy the home I held dear. One stood out though. Rough in appearance compared to the others. Skinny, not very imposing. Rugged face, an awkward, knowing sneer on his lips.

" **I'm more than enough**."

His words made me scoff. As if the _human_ could handle me on his own. He was weak. _All_ humans were weak.

He approached me, striding confidently. Though, his eyes showed a sadness. One I had never seen. It struck a cord in me, made my heart bleed out to him. I didn't like that emotion, the one pouring out of him. I had _never_ seen it. I had only ever seen two emotions; hope and joy.

That strange feeling of the unknown crept up on me, weaving it's poisonous hands around my limbs, clamping down with steeled hands, and vice grip. I lashed out, that unknown emotion, the knowledge that I didn't know something, that the _human_ knew more; knew _me._ by lashing out, I was certain I'd be killed, maybe secretly I wanted to end my life… I mean, the humans had taken everything, and I…

" **You know you, you loved humans, right?** _ **"**_

His words cut me again. I wouldn't allow him to continue speaking. I wouldn't. He wasn't allowed. No one was allowed to know my heart. I wouldn't let anyone know my heart. I wouldn't let _anyone_ into my heart again, it only gets hurt in the end.

"… **That's why you were just sad you had been forgotten.** "

It wasn't the truth, it wasn't. I _hated_ the humans. I was a selfish, malevolent being. I was a _god_. I wasn't companionate. I didn't _love_. I didn't _want_ to be loved. I didn't _need_ to be loved. Especially not by the evil, back-stabbing humans.

I wasn't capable of such emotions. I was a god. I was suppose to be untouchable. I sat on my pedestal all day long, watching. Demanding food. Insisting on the humans' time. So why? Why had this man come here. Why did he insist on dragging up the emotions I tried to hide?

All I wanted was for the ones I lived for, the ones I cared for, to _love_ me. All I wanted was to be _needed_.

What had I done? What had I done to deserve to be abandoned by _everyone_ I _loved_?

That was the day I knew I needed to move one. That yes, the humans had hurt me, they had loved me, they had betrayed me. But, that was only a select few humans. This human would never betray me. He would _never_ hurt me.

" **Let's resolve our differences. I brought you great catnip wine.** "

Everything I did, and everything I was, was for one thing, and one thing only; Shirou.

I had many good years with Shiro. I learned, albeit slowly, that humans didn't have to be my enemy. I could _love_ them, and I would always find one to love me back. I slowly started to trust again. I lost my title as a god- as a demon- and gained one as a familiar. I believe it is one of the reasons I was so hurt by the humans, it made me put up a barrier, and that barrier hurt too much when it crumbled down.

No, Shirou didn't let me think about the time the humans left me in my shrine. He only let me think about the time with him, the time I was his familiar. What a good time it was.

I enjoyed life. I enjoyed Shirou. I even had a chance to interact with children again, more specifically _his_ child; Yukio.

I didn't see him often, Shirou often left me to guard True Cross Academy; a job I prided. I was very much like guarding crops from vermin. I was guarding children from demons who wanted to hurt them. When I did see Yukio, he was often frightened; cried a lot. He wasn't my favourite kind of child. I didn't like children crying. It was sad. I wanted a child that would laugh, act confident around me. Have _fun_ around me. But, I loved Yukio anyway. He was Shirou's child. I loved everything about Shirou. I loved him because he was Shirou; I loved him because he was a human.

I loved my job; guarding the school. I didn't really like all the exorcists around. They weren't like Shirou, they were mean, and always scowled at me. They whispered a lot too. I didn't often take notice of their whispers. They were the type of humans I didn't like; like the ones in the clawed machines from my shrine.

My job was to guard children. I stood at the gate. Everyday. Every night. Guarding them. It was a promotion from before in my opinion. I didn't have to demand anything. I didn't have to be selfish. Shirou let me guard because I wanted to, and in return, a few humans gave me their time. I didn't have to demand it.

There were a few humans, maybe six, who spent a lot of time with me. They worked in shifts, three taking over in the day time, and three at night. They shared their food with me, they spoke to me about many things. They were Shirou's friends, and often spoke of the adventures he and Yukio were going on. I loved to listen to them, it was one of the many highlights of my work. They were such kind humans. Very understanding. They smiled, a lot. Like children. They held the seriousness of adults, duty bound to protect, and guard, just like me, yet they still held onto that sliver of immaturity, the part of a child that lets his laugh echo unrestrained in the air.

I got to protect children, the ones who could see me, and the ones who couldn't. I was able to learn a lot. I learned about their different emotions. The way they spoke, and the way they interacted with one another. I was also able to see them laugh, and smile. Things I didn't think I'd ever see again.

I trusted the humans. Just like I had long, long ago.

Then the men I trusted the most, the mature children, started to turn. Their whispers started to drift to my ears, and I started taking notice of them. Their whispers, once innocent and normal, turned to black, twisted tales I could not allow.

They kept saying, over, and over again. More times than a joke should be told. They kept whispering their incessant lies.

That Shirou had died.

It was wrong. The were all **wrong**! Shirou would _never_ **die**. He wouldn't. He promised. He was to amazing to die. Yet. Yet these _humans_ dare taint his name on their tongues, and say he _**died**_!.

So I did the only thing I could. I took out all these emotions that were broiling up inside me. I took them and I used them. They felt different to the time the humans betrayed me. It hurt more. I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't. I wouldn't admit the feeling inside me.

" _ **Lies**_ _._ "

I repeated it.

Over and over. They weren't _allowed_ to lie. _They_ **weren't**! How _dare_ the _humans_ lie about Shirou.

" _ **He'd never die.**_ **"**

I knew no one would hear me. I was a demon after all. No one could hear me. So I had to show them. _Prove_ to them.

" _ **Shirou's the greatest…**_ "

Then I spied the boy, Yukio. In my haze I wanted to destroy him. How could he stand there, just _**stand**_ there while all these damned _humans_ dared to defile Shirou, _dared_ to _**lie**_ about him being dead.

" _ **He'll come back home.**_ "

He will. Just like he always does.

" _ **I don't believe you.**_ "

They were going to kill me. I couldn't. They couldn't. No! no, no, no, no. NO!

" _ **He's coming back.**_ "

It's the truth.

" _ **Until then, I can't die either.**_ "

The truth in my own words rattled my heart. I can't die. Not 'til Shirou comes back. That's the truth. I have a duty, I must protect everyone. Shirou promised that he'd come back. That he'd always be here.

" **Yo. I'm Rin Okumura, Shirou's son. The dude's dead.** "

His son? For a moment, while he was introducing himself, I felt my anger ebb away. But his words, they… they too were only…

" _ **Lies.**_ "

How could he! How _**dare**_ he! How could Shirou's own _son_ defile him; insult him. How could he believe such _lies._ Of all the people to believe in lies, how could Shirou's own son?

" **He's dead.** "

Again?

" _ **LIES. You're a LIAR!**_ "

Blinded by the sheer impudence of the child before me. Blinded by emotions I would _never_ admit to. I charged Shirou's son. Blinded. I was blinded by a haze of blurry images, and frightening feelings.

Then I felt a huge collision. I closed my eyes, so I couldn't see what I hit. Surely there was no wall near the deranged boy and I. So when I finally opened my eyes to see the young boy; Shirou's son, standing where I was thrown from. I stopped. I stopped everything.

" **You know, you… you loved my old man, right?** "

H-his words?

" **So you were just sad, right?** "

Something broke. Tears welled in my eyes. I knew this boy was Shirou's son. I couldn't deny it. I couldn't even breathe right.

" **I'm the same as you. Let's resolve our differences.** "

His words finally let me see. See that I _did_ have the capability to feel emotions. I _loved_ the humans. I _loved_ Shirou. His death, death in general, was something I was so unfamiliar with, that it drove nails in my heart. It clouded my mind. It blocked my eyes from seeing all that Shirou had taught me. It made me, a god, a demon, a familiar, feel human for a single instant. Yet, this boy, Rin. He was able to see my pain, he probably felt the same way.

" _ **Shirou…Shirou….Shirou's dead?…"**_

I questioned him, knowing the answer perfectly well.

" _ **Shirou's DEAD…**_ "

Rin.

He could _hear_ _**me**_. He _could_ _**see**_ me. He _knew_ _**me**_. Looking at him though tear stained, grief fogged eyes, I cried and cried. Never in all my years, and all my experience had I ever felt so lost. I had never felt so astray. Yet, when Rin picked me up, when he was by my side. When I curled up by his head while he slept, or when I watched as he struggled. I had never felt so found.

Rin never promised me he would never leave. He didn't guarantee that he would live forever, or that humans would always love me. He only promised that while he was alive, and while he was breathing, he would remain by my side, and ensure that _someone_ loved me. He promised on his heart and soul, that _he_ would _**always**_ love me _._

Everything I did, and everything I was, was for one thing, and one thing only; the love of Rin.


End file.
